Written in the stars

Did you know that The Onion has horoscopes (hat tip: An Examined Life)? Here's mine.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

It doesn't matter if you've done nothing wrong and been charged with no crime. CNN's Nancy Grace is certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're guilty and should be "put down like a dog."

Whoa, and it's true: I've committed no crime! But you were wondering what the stars have in store for Darwin:

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.

How did they know? I'll tell you, though: I wish I were a Capricorn.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.

It's so true.