Dear Victoria's Secret

I was beginning to think that you'd forgotten about me, but I see that your memory runs deeper than that. After quiet months with no mail from you, months in which I began to hope that I might be free from the clutches of your marketing department, a fresh new skankalog arrived in my mailbox yesterday. I'm not sure whether to be touched, amused, or pitying.

Dear VS, let me enumerate for you the reasons why I won't be purchasing anything from your skankalog. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with any modesty concerns. I don't expect the 1933 Sears catalog from a company selling undergarments in 2009. My son is only one, so I have no worries there. (My daughters already know the term "skankalog".) I'm not worried either about the delicate eyes of my husband, who knows he can see better cleavage at home than your underfed models could ever afford. No, what offends me is that for a company that emphasizes sexy, you just don't go far enough. You're all, "Let us give you the illusion of a great rack!" but for women who don't need the illusion, but actual support, you've got nothing. Guess what: not all big-chested women are fat.

Real women are not walking mannequins, either. We're not made of plastic, and we want real support, not just gussied-up bits of mesh. Say it with me: Foundational Garments. Real women want something with a bit of structure. We don't need something that's only going to look good on a surgically firm model. Hi! The rest of us would like to look good undressed too! "Lift" that.

So okay: you wanna be THE manufacturer of choice for the American woman? Then help us deal with the aftermath of wearing your stuff. Why don't you make nursing bras? Couldn't the engineering prowess that created the "Ipex" and the "Biofit" and the "Miracle Bra" be profitably employed in designing a nursing bra that looks rather less utilitarian than the norm while still maintaining function? 'Cause if you're looking to increase market share while supporting a popular cause, you just can't go wrong here. What could be more fashionable than breast-feeding? Even Angelina Jolie does it, and boy does she make it look good. Wonder whose product she's wearing? Not yours.

As for me, my money goes to support the local competition, where the saleswomen actually know how to measure their customers, where my size is always in stock. Until you're ready to compete for my dollars, you can take me off your mailing list. That is all.